A wedding is (I think) the most significant event in your life – but the planning can be confusing, especially when it comes to etiquette. Whether you’re deep into wedding planning or just kicking things off, knowing the ins and outs of wedding etiquette can help make your day stress-free. Here are the four most common questions people ask about wedding etiquette, along with some helpful answers to guide you through it all.

1. Who Am I Supposed to Invite to My Wedding?

Deciding on your guest list can be one of the most challenging parts of wedding planning. Here are a few tips to guide you!

• Budget: Start here. The average guest costs $580, according to a 2023 article by The Knot. Your budget will play a significant role in shaping your guest list.
• Who to invite: Parents often want to invite their friends, and that can be a bit stressful. If your parents are chipping in for the wedding, let them invite some friends, but don’t feel like you have to let them take over the guest list. Usually, if one side is footing the whole bill, you’d agree on a percentage for the guest list—maybe you get 20% or even 50% of the guest count! That’s something you and your parents should decide together. If both families are splitting the cost, give them an equal share. And if you’re covering the expenses yourselves, a 10% allocation to your parents is a nice gesture.
  Pro tip: Figure out this division before you accept any money for the wedding to keep things smooth and stress-free.
• Prioritize & Create Rules: Think about the vibe you want your wedding to have and who would fit well into that scene. Once you’ve got that vibe nailed down, set some guidelines for your guest list. These rules are there to help you stay organized and sane, not to be strict limits. It’s okay to make a few exceptions, but make sure you communicate those exceptions privately to avoid any misunderstandings. For example:
  • If you’ve never spoken to them, they’re not invited.
  • If you haven’t spoken in years, they’re off the list.
  • Plus ones can be based on marital status.
  • No kids under 12 (or 18 or 21—whatever works for you!)
• Split the guest list between you and your partner: Think about dividing the guest list like you did with your parents. Fair doesn’t always mean equal—take my wedding, for example. About 70% of the guests were from my side, and only 30% were from his. It might sound a bit selfish, but he has fewer friends than I do, and he was totally fine with it! I even encouraged him to invite more people, but my friends were closer to us than his were. In the end, we were both happy with how the list turned out.
  • Have an A-List & a B-List
  • Expect 17-30% of your guests to decline, so to fill the guest count, you can pull from your B-List.
  • Pro Tip: Don’t invite too many from your B-List all at once, and definitely don’t send out those invites with an RSVP date that’s already passed.
• Remember People Who Supported You. Sometimes the people who supported you might not be your first choice for the guest list, but be courteous to those who got you a gift or played a big role in your life growing up.
• Plan Your Response to Requests to Attend. Inevitably, some people will ask if they can come even if they didn’t make the list, and that can be tough! Plan a polite response, and save it in your Notes app for quick access. Here’s an example:
  • “Thank you so much! We would love to have you come, but the venue doesn’t allow more guests than we already have committed to. It totally sucks—I wish we could have everyone there, but it’s out of our control. We’d love to have you over for dinner and catch up once we get back from our honeymoon! Are you free on [XX date]?”

Wedding Etiquette: The 4 Most Common Questions & Answers

2. Who is Supposed to Pay for the Wedding?

Traditionally, the bride’s family would cover most of the wedding expenses, but times have changed. Here are some key points from this article:

• Bride’s Family: Often covers the cost of the ceremony, reception, wedding dress, photographer, and more.
• Groom’s Family: Traditionally responsible for the rehearsal dinner, marriage license, and sometimes the DJ or band.
• Couple: More couples today are choosing to pay for their own weddings or split costs with both families.

If your parents are divorced, they often contribute separately. Don’t shy away from this conversation. Be realistic and sensitive to what they can contribute. Having an open dialogue can prevent misunderstandings and ensure everyone is on the same page.

Wedding Etiquette: The 4 Most Common Questions & Answers

3. When Should I Send Wedding Invitations?

Ah, this one’s pretty straightforward! You’ll need to handle Save the Dates, Invitations, and RSVPs. Here’s the timeline breakdown:

• Save-the-Dates: Send these out 6-8 months before the wedding, especially if it’s a destination wedding or if many guests will need to travel.
• Wedding Invitations: Aim to send your invitations 8-10 weeks before the big day. This gives your guests plenty of time to RSVP and make travel arrangements, and gives you time to invite more people from your B-List if needed.
• RSVP Deadline: Set the RSVP deadline for about 4 weeks before the wedding. This gives you enough time to finalize your guest count and communicate with your vendors.

4. What if Our Parents are Divorced?

Dealing with divorced parents can definitely add some extra stress and heartache to wedding planning. I’ve been there myself and have spent countless hours on the phone with my brides to help them through it. Here are some helpful tips:

• Hopefully, your divorced parents are on good terms. If so, talk with them about how you’re feeling and what you’d ideally love to see on your wedding day. Maybe you want them to sit near each other during the ceremony so you don’t feel like your attention is split. Or perhaps you’d like them to stand near each other and be in the same photos during family portrait time. Whatever it is, communicate what you’d love to see from them as your parents and thank them for setting their differences aside for you.
• If your parents are not on good terms: This can be especially tricky. Remember, you’re an adult now, so try to separate your emotions and handle this maturely. Recognize that this is your wedding, and you have dreams and hopes that might be different from reality. That’s okay. Decide upfront what you can realistically expect from each of them, and then communicate that privately. For example, let them know you’d love for them to sit together, but ask if that would be okay. Respect their wishes. Let them know you want a photo with them, with or without their current spouses, and ask if that’s alright. Be sensitive to the fact that they have a long history, and weddings are emotional. You shouldn’t have to conform your entire wedding around their differences, but it’s respectful to anticipate and be sensitive to their needs.
• Consider hiring a wedding planner. A professional can help navigate difficult family dynamics, ensuring your day goes as smoothly as possible.

Wedding Etiquette: The 4 Most Common Questions & Answers

Planning a wedding is full of joyful moments and a few tough decisions. By tackling these common etiquette questions, you’ll be better prepared to handle anything that comes your way. Remember, this day is about you and your partner, so make choices that reflect your values. Happy planning!